Killer Whale Shows Resume at SeaWorld

SeaWorld resumed their killer whale show in Orlando today and audiences greeted the show's trainers with a standing ovation. The trainers then fed the audience a sardine, and the audience responded with a back flip.

Russian Chimp Sent to Rehab

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to treat his smoking and beer-drinking habits. Zhora the chimp noted, "I hit bottom when I could no longer find the joy in throwing my own feces at a wall."

Killer Whale Kills SeaWorld Trainer

In Florida today, a killer whale named Tilikum murdered his human trainer at SeaWorld. SeaWorld officials were shocked and are strongly considering training whale species with less dangerous adjectives in their names.

Cheney Has Mild Heart Attack

Earlier this week, Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack, which ties him with a dead man in Wisconsin for the Guinness World Record for Most Heart Attacks. Cheney is poised to take sole possession of the title sometime this year in what many American's hope will be a massive record breaking.

Navy Allows Women on Subs

Today Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced that the Navy will allow women to serve aboard submarines. Gates told detractors not to worry and added, "This doesn't change much - submarines will still be long, hard, and full of sea men."

Not Surprising Celebrity News

Actor Charlie Sheen entered a rehab facility today. And in other not surprising celebrity news, director Kevin Smith entered a McDonald's.

BarBots

This weekend in San Francisco, robot bartenders faced off in a cocktail competition. The winning drink was an AppleScript Martini.

[And with a nod to Futurama, it was prepared by iZack.]

Sheen's Legal Woes

Charlie Sheen, star of CBS's top-rated sitcom Two and a Half Men, could be headed to prison soon, which would put production of future episodes in jeopardy. Producers are scrambling to come up with alternative plans for the show, including a prison-themed spin-off called Two to Five Years with Men.

Smith vs. Southwest Airlines

This week, loquacious director Kevin Smith continued his feud with Southwest Airlines because he wasn't satisfied with their apology for removing him from a plane because he was too fat to occupy one seat. After some back and forth, Smith said, "this is starting to taste fruitless," but later he admitted he's never actually tasted fruit, nor does he have any interest in anything fruitful or full of fruit.

Director Too Fat to Fly

Talkative Director Kevin Smith, best known for playing Silent Bob in his films, was ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight today because the crew deemed him too fat to fly. Like many artists, Smith has channeled the experience and created a new character for himself: Unsilent Blob.

Pinnipedicides in Seattle

Four sea lions and one seal were found shot to death in Seattle, in what witnesses described as a dispute about "ears." The incident marks the latest in a rash of pinniped-on-pinniped violence, and investigators are stumped as to how the finned mammals even operate guns.

[I usually don't qualify anything I write, but this joke was composed on the tail end of a long day on set.]

Lifestyle Footwear

Christian Audigier has released a new line of footwear for his fashion brand Ed Hardy. The shoes are designed for people who are afraid strangers won't be able to identify them as douchebags while they're in bathroom stalls.

Electric Bikes

Following a trend in China, U.S. retailers are hoping to see a surge in purchases of electric bikes. The electric bikes are aimed at people who are too lazy to pedal and also people who think the word "scooter" sounds too gay.

Accidental Shooting

A man in Florida accidentally shot himself in the leg as he exited a gun store. The man survived and says he hopes that if any good can come from the incident, it will be that children in Florida will always have a proper example of "irony."

Dinosaur Footprints Found in China

Chinese archaeologists have discovered thousands of fossilized dinosaur footprints in the eastern province of Shandong. Estimated at 100 million years old, the prints are by far the longest lasting things ever made in China.

Novel Weight-Loss

A new study suggests that adolescent girls who read books with an overweight heroine were inspired to then lose weight themselves. Researchers were curious if the same results could be found in adults, but the study was found inconclusive because Kirstie Alley ate the books.

Federal Leave

The federal government is closed today as Washington, D.C. digs out from three feet of snow, but surprisingly, customer service is unaffected. Just like any other day, no one in the government answers phones or returns email.

C-List Super Bowl Party

Last Friday, actress Roselyn Sanchez and reality television stars Holly Madison and Kimberly Kardashian co-hosted a Super Bowl party in Miami. No one in attendance had the heart to tell the ladies that the game was on Sunday.

Toyota Prius Recall

Toyota has announced a recall for all the hybrid Prius cars in the U.S. Once the fix is in place, the Department of Transportation hopes Prius owners will be at least 50% less self-righteous.

All Day I Dream About Star Wars

Adidas has partnered with George Lucas to release a line of Star Wars inspired sneakers. Yeah, because after Star Wars the thing nerds love most is exercise.

Miniature Columbine

In NYC, public school officials narrowly averted a catastrophe when they sent home a boy who was carrying a two-inch Lego machine gun. The principal noted, "If not for the diligence of our staff, we could have had a 1:70 scale massacre on our hands."

Drunkest Cities

Men's Health magazine recently published a list of America's "drunkest" cities. Number two is Reno, Nevada, and number one is wherever David Hasselhoff is currently staying.

Talking Sex Robot

For men who have trouble with women, an inventor in Las Vegas has unveiled a talking sex robot with a price-tag of seven thousand dollars. There's also a fourteen thousand dollar model -- that one doesn't talk.

Groundhog Speaks

Today is Groundhog Day, when the the people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania look to a rodent to predict the future. This year, Phil the groundhog saw his shadow, which means four more months of not knowing what the hell is happening on Lost.

Sledding Rocketeer

In Michigan, a man built and operated a sled propelled by a homemade rocket backpack, until the rocket exploded, ultimately landing him in the hospital with severe burns. The voters at the Darwin Awards were saddened that such a creative attempt to kill a moron came up just a little short.

ControversYe Averted

Taylor Swift fans no doubt felt a small rush of panic each time Swift took the stage to collect one of her four Grammys for fear that Kanye West might interrupt her acceptance. Luckily, West was distracted backstage by a cardboard cutout of Swift, which he berated for the entirety of the show.

Traffic Reporter Causes Traffic Jam

A traffic reporter in a small plane made an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike this morning which caused significant traffic delays. When asked about the incident the reporter replied that he was tired of people in New Jersey misusing the word "irony."