Larry King Retires

Larry King announced yesterday that he will retire from his CNN show this fall. When he goes off the air, it will mark the first time in television history that Larry King is not the oldest man on television.

Pornographers Obtain New Domain

ICANN has approved a new .xxx domain intended solely for pornography. Analysts believe the departure of porn from the .com domain will drastically increase the bandwidth available for kitten videos.

Army Shifts Focus

The Army has concluded that teaching soldiers how to negotiate is as important as traditional soldiering skills designed to kill the enemy. As such, the Army has rolled out a new recruiting campaign to find the best negotiators: The U.S. Army - Do Us a Mitzvah.

Octogenarian Matriculates

This week in Colorado, an 85-year-old man graduated from high school. He plans to attend mortuary school in the fall, one way or another.

Unhappy Ending

A massage therapist in Portland, Oregon has claimed that former Vice President Al Gore made "unwanted sexual contact" with her during a visit in 2006. Allegedly, Gore prodded her with a toweled erection he called his "Inconvenient Truth."

Congressional Summons

Thursday at a news conference on the Hill, Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner brought a goat, which subsequently stabbed him in the hand, drawing blood. Weiner told reporters not to worry and explained, "this is how we summon Rahm Emanuel."

Convicted for Partying

A Saudi Arabian court has convicted four women and eleven men and sentenced them to floggings and prison terms for their roles in a late-night social gathering. The defendants' lawyer is already working on their appeal and went on record to say, "Clearly, you've got to fight for your right to party."