Larry King Retires

Larry King announced yesterday that he will retire from his CNN show this fall. When he goes off the air, it will mark the first time in television history that Larry King is not the oldest man on television.

Pornographers Obtain New Domain

ICANN has approved a new .xxx domain intended solely for pornography. Analysts believe the departure of porn from the .com domain will drastically increase the bandwidth available for kitten videos.

Army Shifts Focus

The Army has concluded that teaching soldiers how to negotiate is as important as traditional soldiering skills designed to kill the enemy. As such, the Army has rolled out a new recruiting campaign to find the best negotiators: The U.S. Army - Do Us a Mitzvah.

Octogenarian Matriculates

This week in Colorado, an 85-year-old man graduated from high school. He plans to attend mortuary school in the fall, one way or another.

Unhappy Ending

A massage therapist in Portland, Oregon has claimed that former Vice President Al Gore made "unwanted sexual contact" with her during a visit in 2006. Allegedly, Gore prodded her with a toweled erection he called his "Inconvenient Truth."

Congressional Summons

Thursday at a news conference on the Hill, Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner brought a goat, which subsequently stabbed him in the hand, drawing blood. Weiner told reporters not to worry and explained, "this is how we summon Rahm Emanuel."

Convicted for Partying

A Saudi Arabian court has convicted four women and eleven men and sentenced them to floggings and prison terms for their roles in a late-night social gathering. The defendants' lawyer is already working on their appeal and went on record to say, "Clearly, you've got to fight for your right to party."

Pediatricians Admit Mistakes

A recent survey uncovered that more than half of pediatricians admitted to making one or two diagnostic errors per month. One pediatrician noted, "That's pretty good, considering I'm usually drunk."

Fast Food Suicide

This week, a man committed suicide at a McDonald's restaurant in Southern California. Employees later admitted they became suspicious when the man ordered an "Unhappy Meal."

Cremation for Coleman

In accordance with his wishes, Gary Coleman's body has been cremated. And in an upcoming ceremony, his family will gather to scatter the ashes over a puddle.

Baristas and Boobs

In Maine, a man is accused of burning down a coffee shop featuring topless baristas. In other news, I'm moving to Maine.

Female Viagra

The FDA has announced that "female Viagra" does not work. Scientists believe the problem may have something to do with the fact that women don't have penises.

War on Dust

The U.S. Army is replacing failing Velcro closures on their uniforms with buttons because, as one analyst noted, "Taliban attacks come and go, but dust is constant in Afghanistan. This is the latest proof that dust [is] the biggest enemy for the U.S. military." Consequently, Republicans have begun trumpeting the need to raise funds for the inevitable War on Dust.

Virtual Withholding

This week at E3, Microsoft unveiled their new motion-controlled line of games, including Kinectimals, a game featuring 20 virtual cats. Many gamers are excited by the prospect of being virtually ignored by cats.