United States and Russia Reach Arms Accord

After lengthy negotiations, American President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev have sealed a deal to reduce the amount of nuclear warheads in their respective arsenals. The pact came together when Russia agreed to reclaim Yakov Smirnoff, in exchange for which the U.S. would provide a DVD of Michael Jackson's tour movie and three hundred pairs of "American blue jeans."

Luddite Museum in England

The town of Huddersfield, England is honoring their local history with a museum to commemorate the Luddites. To find the museum, which will of course be open whenever the sun is up, simply follow the North Star from Huddersfield for a fortnight.

Another Criminal Addicted to Social Networking

This week in Kenniwick, Washington, police were able to identify a burglar after he broke into an office and checked his MySpace page on an office computer. An officer said, "We were really surprised - I mean, who still uses MySpace?"

Playboy and Kids Channel Trade Places

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable mistakenly switched the signals for their Kids Channel with the Playboy channel. The problem was detected when adults called to complain about being forced to masturbate to cartoons.

Status Update Leads to Bust

Italian police were able to locate and apprehend Mafia suspect Pasquale Manfredi by monitoring his Facebook page. Apparently, police became suspicious when Manfredi tried to recruit them to play Mafia Wars.

Placebo Drug Effect Getting Stronger

Scientists believe that the effect of placebo drugs is almost twice as strong as it was twenty years ago. Now Phizer has patented Placebo™ and says a low-cost, generic version will be available in five to ten years.

Chile Quake Rocks Earth's World

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile this week may have tipped the Earth's axis, reducing the time in a day by 1.26 microseconds. Upon hearing the news, the majority of Americans were psyched that tonight's AMERICAN IDOL is that much closer.

New Study Reasserts Video Games' Link to Violence

A new study "strongly suggests" a link between children playing video games and exhibiting aggressive behavior and a lack of empathy. The study followed the lives of two Italian plumbers, who haphazardly destroyed property and murdered animals, possibly while under the influence of hallucinogens.