Facebook Beef in Philly

In Philadelphia, a Facebook dispute spilled over into offline violence when a handgun shootout occurred outside a high school. Three were injured and the tragic incident has left at least fifteen others "unfriended."

Snickers Returns to the Super Bowl

Snickers candy bars has a new ad set to launch during the Super Bowl with Abe Vigoda and Betty White. Snickers intends to show that their candy bars are really satisfying, even if you don't have teeth.

Diverging Diamonds

City planners in Springfield, Mo are testing a new traffic design in which cars briefly drive on the left side of the road to enter the highway. Residents are split on the new pattern with some in favor and others saying, "Quickly, round the militia: the British are coming!"

New Nuke

In his State of the Union address, President Obama called for a "new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants." Many White House reporters were shocked by the news, specifically the correct pronunciation of the word "nuclear."

Orange, New Jersey, You're on the Air

For the first time ever, paleontologists have determined the pigment of the earliest dinosaurs was orange. This new discovery finally explains the strange hue of Larry King.

Cells & Convicts

In Wisconsin, officials at Waupun Correctional Institution denied an inmate's request to play Dungeons & Dragons because it "represented a threat to prison security." The warden added, "If any of those creatures were to roll a twenty, we would be in some serious trouble."

Super Bowl XLIV

Super Bowl 44 is next week. That's Super Bowl XLIV in roman numerals, which would no longer exist if not for Super Bowls, Pope names, and Rocky films.

Papal Bloggers

In an attempt to spread the faith, Pope Benedict XVI is encouraging priests in the Roman Catholic Church to get online and blog. Not surprisingly, many Roman Catholic priests admitted to spending quite a bit of time on the Internet already.

Gayest American Cities

In a recent survey, San Francisco was not named one of the gayest cities in America. Ahead of the city by the gay: Gayville, South Dakota; Gay Head, Massachusetts; Gayhead, New York; and Gay, Michigan.

Caloric Stimulus

The White House announced today that they would back a plan to keep Weight Watchers financially solvent. As Barack Obama noted, "Kirstie Alley is too big to fail."

Have It Your Way

Burger King has unveiled plans to sell beer at their fast-food restaurants, which raises many questions. For example, David Hasselhoff wonders what time they start serving breakfast.

Hollywood Diet

In a shocking story out of Hollywood today, Fat Kirstie Alley murdered and ate Skinny Kirstie Alley, leaving many star-gazers to wonder: are there enough rolls for Fat Kirstie Alley?

[*originally Tom King's joke, but I love it so much.]

Campaign Spending Limits Lifted

The Supreme Court ruled that corporations and special interest groups are free to contribute unlimited funds to sway political campaigns. Subsequently, Sarah Palin's presidential bid will now be referred to as Coors Light's Sarah Palin 2012.

Biblical Artillery

A manufacturer contracted by the U.S. military has been inscribing Bible verses onto the targeting sights of combat rifles. A spokesperson for the company said, "For obvious reasons, we stick mostly to the Old Testament."

The Rise of Wives

In a new trend, one in five married women is earning more income than their husbands. The study raises an interesting question: are those other four women working hard enough?

Obama's Race to the Top

This morning, President Obama told school children in Fairfax, Va that he will seek additional funds to broaden the scope of his education initiative. Obama announced he will raise another 1.35 billion, or as he called it "some walk-around money."

Weight Watchers Weigh-In Catastrophe

In Sweden this week, a Weight Watchers weigh-in ended in tragedy when the floor of their meeting room collapsed. No one died but 17 people suffered hurt feelings.

Nevada's First Legal Gigolo

In an interview with Details magazine, Nevada's first legal male prostitute compared himself to civil right pioneer Rosa Parks. The only real difference he noted was that "she was asserting her God-given right to equality, and I have sex for money."

Rooney's Birthday

60 Minutes essayist Andy Rooney celebrated his 91st birthday today. Also celebrating birthdays today, Andy Rooney's eyebrows turned 96.

Fox News Adds Palin as Contributor

Fox News has signed Sarah Palin to provide political commentary. In anticipation of Palin's arrival, Fox News has changed their tag-line to Fair and Balanced... and Stupid.

Toxic Toys

Walmart is recalling children's jewelery made in China because it contains toxic cadmium. Chinese manufacturers have said not to worry because hardly any of the child workers who made the jewelery have become sick.

Big Hack

Former professional baseball player Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids. In other news, grass is green and water is wet.

New Chinese Ads

Chinese businesses have started a new ad campaign to tout the products designed by Western companies to be sold to the West, with the slogan "Made in China..." You can find the new slogan on the bottom of any product in any store in America.

Leno Canceled

NBC has canceled the short-lived Jay Leno Show, and it's with the support from his crew that Jay is keeping his chin up. Also supporting Jay's chin are six c-stands.

State of the Island

The White House has rescheduled President Obama's State of the Union Address because of an uproar from fans of ABC's LOST, who didn't want the season premiere preempted by the president's message. Said one nerd, "The only union I'm interested in is the one between Kate and Sawyer, unless perhaps Obama has some cogent theories about the nature of the smoke monster."

Wannabe Bandit

In Massachusetts, a man claiming to be armed walked into a bank and demanded money, but fled empty handed when a banker yelled at him. State police have attributed this attempt and other non-crimes to the work of one man: The Pussy Bandit.

Elmer Goes to the Grave

In a news story out of Maine today, a 240-year-old Elm tree has died. Services are scheduled for later this week, where the Elm tree will be buried in a coffin made out of itself.

Obama Bucks

This week President Obama said that when it comes to protecting the nation, "The buck stops with me." He then added, "Unless you need a loan for like a trillion dollars, in that case I'm also your guy."

Streaker Nabbed Near White House

Yesterday, a naked man was arrested jogging near the White House in Washington, D.C., which can mean only one thing: Congress is back in town! And someone should have known better than to play "Truth or Dare" with Nancy Pelosi.

Fast Diet Food

Taco Bell has launched a new campaign for their "Drive-thru Diet" menu, featuring a female foil to Subway's Jared Fogel, and a catchy new slogan. Taco Bell: You'll literally sh*t the pounds away.

Tobacco Possible Biofuel

Researchers believe they can manipulate the genetics of tobacco plants to make them a viable source of biofuel. As a bonus, pedestrians can look forward to a car exhaust that is smooth and satisfying.

Tiger Bares Mostly All

Tiger Woods appears bare chested on the cover of this month's Vanity Fair. The only way you could possibly see more of him is if you happened to be a stripper or cocktail waitress who worked just about anywhere in the country.

AT&T Drops Woods

AT&T has ended their endorsement of pro golfer Tiger Woods. Woods promptly switched his mobile service to Verizon, and he says he now gets better 3G coverage in the cities where his whores live.

Underwear Bomber

New intelligence reports that the suspect in the attempted bombing of Northwest Airlines Flight 253 on Christmas Day did not ferret explosives through security in his anal cavity, but rather had sewn them into his underwear. In either case, Homeland Security has been forced to rethink their definition of "dirty bombs."

No More Doggie Bags

This week, Taiwan's parliament banned the selling of dog meat in an effort to deter the slaughtering of stray dogs. In other news, Taiwanese eateries and restaurants are closing by the thousands.