Twittering Under the Influence

This New Year's Eve, police are concerned that young party-goers may use Twitter to try to thwart sobriety checkpoints. Unfortunately for the tweeters, this time, the Fail Whale might land them in fail jail.

Asteroids

The head of Russia's space program has announced a plan to prevent an asteroid collision with Earth in 2030. The plan involves a triangle-shaped spacecraft, a small laser, and three lives.

A Prayer for a Better Economy

In these challenging economic times, many Christians are turning to the Bible for financial advice. And if you thought the Bible was thick, you should see the King James prospectus.

Airline Lockdown

After last week's attempted bombing on a Detroit-bound flight, airlines have instituted tougher in-flight restrictions, including forbidding the use of electronic devices and forcing passengers to remain in their seats with their hands visible for much of the flight. There is one perk to the new restrictions though: you can now trade cigarettes for the snack packs.

Mississippi #1 with God

A recent poll named Mississippi the most religious state in America. In a related poll, Mississippi was also named the state most likely to be misspelled by its own residents.

Breeding Bitches

A dog breeder in China charges $10,000 for the opportunity to have sex with his stud Tibetan Mastiff named Son of Bush. For Americans that's a bargain, considering they got screwed by a son of Bush and it cost them $400 billion.

Magic Reindeer Gems

An Indiana zoo raised over twenty thousand dollars this holiday season by selling jewelery made from reindeer droppings, which they call "Magic Reindeer Gems." As a result, socks are no longer the shittiest gift you can receive for Christmas.

Seat Belt Incentives

During traffic stops, police in South Carolina are rewarding motorists for wearing their seat belts with coupons for free Chick-Fila sandwiches. A local man remarked, "Thanks a lot. Nothing takes the sting out of a $90 ticket like a coupon for a $4 sandwich."

Father of 'Balloon Boy' Bound for Jail

Richard Heene is headed to jail for the "Balloon Boy" hoax he launched last October. Luckily for Heene, he's already proven popular with his future inmates, who are flooding him with requests to bring them balloons.

Obama's Prank Call

While hosting a radio show, outgoing Virginia Governor Tim Kaine took a call-in from a man who identified himself as "Barry from DC," but turned out to be none other than President Barack Obama. The president thanked Kaine for his service and then repeated the phrase "Baba Boey" until the governor hung up on him.

8-bit Marriage

In Tokyo, a Japanese man has married a video game character, marking the first time anyone has wed a virtual person. On their wedding night, the man scored a total of zero points.

Beauty Tax

As part of the health-care bill, the Senate has proposed a new tax on the use of tanning beds. It's expected the tax will raise 2.7 billion dollars over the next ten years, most of that revenue coming directly from the cast of Jersey Shore.

EgyptAir Says, "No Fat Chicks"

Last week, an EgyptAir pilot refused to take off because he said one of the plane's passengers was too fat. In other news, Kirstie Alley has canceled her vacation to Egypt.

In-home Indecency

A Virginia man was convicted of indecent exposure after two women complained they could see him naked through the window of his home. The man further incriminated himself in his defense when he said, "This goes too far. Next thing you know, it'll be illegal to sodomize my boyfriend in the privacy of our own home. What?! That's already illegal in this state? F*&k me."

Afghan Rockers Hide Selves from Shame

Yesterday, the Burqa Band -- a three-piece, Afghan group so named for the traditional burqas they wear -- missed their appearance on The Tonight Show. Apparently, the band went out the night before and got completely sheet faced.

Gun Use on the Rise

A new firearm survey of 166 U.S. police agencies showed an increase in the number of weapons-related arrests, and there's evidence that more weapons are being used per shooting, and that more shots are being fired in each crime. In response, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has asked professional football players to please limit the number of guns they carry around, and to conserve their ammunition.

New Marijuana Study

In a recent study, researchers from the University of California at San Diego found that smoking marijuana certainly affects perception, but does not cause permanent brain damage. Actor Woody Harrelson applauded the study... with his feet.

Bryant Gumbel Announces Illness

This morning, Bryant Gumbel announced that he successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer. Tragically, his doctors confirmed that his lungs were the blackest thing about him.