Mono Means One and Log Means Log

Larry King Retires

2010-06-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Larry King announced yesterday that he will retire from his CNN show this fall. When he goes off the air, it will mark the first time in television history that Larry King is not the oldest man on television.

Pornographers Obtain New Domain

2010-06-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

ICANN has approved a new .xxx domain intended solely for pornography. Analysts believe the departure of porn from the .com domain will drastically increase the bandwidth available for kitten videos.

Army Shifts Focus

2010-06-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

The Army has concluded that teaching soldiers how to negotiate is as important as traditional soldiering skills designed to kill the enemy. As such, the Army has rolled out a new recruiting campaign to find the best negotiators: The U.S. Army - Do Us a Mitzvah.

Octogenarian Matriculates

2010-06-25T11:37:00.001-07:00

This week in Colorado, an 85-year-old man graduated from high school. He plans to attend mortuary school in the fall, one way or another.

Unhappy Ending

2010-06-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

A massage therapist in Portland, Oregon has claimed that former Vice President Al Gore made "unwanted sexual contact" with her during a visit in 2006. Allegedly, Gore prodded her with a toweled erection he called his "Inconvenient Truth."

Congressional Summons

2010-06-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

Thursday at a news conference on the Hill, Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner brought a goat, which subsequently stabbed him in the hand, drawing blood. Weiner told reporters not to worry and explained, "this is how we summon Rahm Emanuel."

Convicted for Partying

2010-06-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

A Saudi Arabian court has convicted four women and eleven men and sentenced them to floggings and prison terms for their roles in a late-night social gathering. The defendants' lawyer is already working on their appeal and went on record to say, "Clearly, you've got to fight for your right to party."

Pediatricians Admit Mistakes

2010-06-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

A recent survey uncovered that more than half of pediatricians admitted to making one or two diagnostic errors per month. One pediatrician noted, "That's pretty good, considering I'm usually drunk."

Fast Food Suicide

2010-06-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

This week, a man committed suicide at a McDonald's restaurant in Southern California. Employees later admitted they became suspicious when the man ordered an "Unhappy Meal."

Cremation for Coleman

2010-06-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

In accordance with his wishes, Gary Coleman's body has been cremated. And in an upcoming ceremony, his family will gather to scatter the ashes over a puddle.

Baristas and Boobs

2010-06-17T08:39:00.001-07:00

In Maine, a man is accused of burning down a coffee shop featuring topless baristas. In other news, I'm moving to Maine.

Female Viagra

2010-06-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

The FDA has announced that "female Viagra" does not work. Scientists believe the problem may have something to do with the fact that women don't have penises.

War on Dust

2010-06-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Army is replacing failing Velcro closures on their uniforms with buttons because, as one analyst noted, "Taliban attacks come and go, but dust is constant in Afghanistan. This is the latest proof that dust [is] the biggest enemy for the U.S. military." Consequently, Republicans have begun trumpeting the need to raise funds for the inevitable War on Dust.

Virtual Withholding

2010-06-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

This week at E3, Microsoft unveiled their new motion-controlled line of games, including Kinectimals, a game featuring 20 virtual cats. Many gamers are excited by the prospect of being virtually ignored by cats.

United States and Russia Reach Arms Accord

2010-03-26T08:52:00.001-07:00

After lengthy negotiations, American President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev have sealed a deal to reduce the amount on nuclear warheads in their respective arsenals. The pact came together when Russia agreed to reclaim Yakov Smirnoff, in exchange for which the U.S. would provide a DVD of Michael Jackson's tour movie and three hundred pairs of "American blue jeans."

Luddite Museum in England

2010-03-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

The town of Huddersfield, England is honoring their local history with a museum to commemorate the Luddites. To find the museum, which will of course be open whenever the sun is up, simply follow the North Star from Huddersfield for a fortnight.

Another Criminal Addicted to Social Networking

2010-03-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

This week in Kenniwick, Washington, police were able to identify a burglar after he broke into an office and checked his MySpace page on an office computer. An officer said, "We were really surprised - I mean, who still uses MySpace?"

Playboy and Kids Channel Trade Places

2010-03-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable mistakenly switched the signals for their Kids Channel with the Playboy channel. The problem was detected when adults called to complain about being forced to masturbate to cartoons.

Status Update Leads to Bust

2010-03-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Italian police were able to locate and apprehend Mafia suspect Pasquale Manfredi by monitoring his Facebook page. Apparently, police became suspicious when Manfredi tried to recruit them to play Mafia Wars.

Placebo Drug Effect Getting Stronger

2010-03-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

Scientists believe that the effect of placebo drugs is almost twice as strong as it was twenty years ago. Now Phizer has patented Placebo™ and says a low-cost, generic version will be available in five to ten years.

Chile Quake Rocks Earth's World

2010-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile this week may have tipped the Earth's axis, reducing the time in a day by 1.26 microseconds. Upon hearing the news, the majority of Americans were psyched that tonight's AMERICAN IDOL is that much closer.

New Study Reasserts Video Games' Link to Violence

2010-03-01T09:13:00.001-08:00

A new study "strongly suggests" a link between children playing video games and exhibiting aggressive behavior and a lack of empathy. The study followed the lives of two Italian plumbers, who haphazardly destroyed property and murdered animals, possibly while under the influence of hallucinogens.

Killer Whale Shows Resume at SeaWorld

2010-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

SeaWorld resumed their killer whale show in Orlando today and audiences greeted the show's trainers with a standing ovation. The trainers then fed the audience a sardine, and the audience responded with a back flip.

Russian Chimp Sent to Rehab

2010-02-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to treat his smoking and beer-drinking habits. Zhora the chimp noted, "I hit bottom when I could no longer find the joy in throwing my own feces at a wall."

Killer Whale Kills SeaWorld Trainer

2010-02-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

In Florida today, a killer whale named Tilikum murdered his human trainer at SeaWorld. SeaWorld officials were shocked and are strongly considering training whale species with less dangerous adjectives in their names.

Cheney Has Mild Heart Attack

2010-02-23T16:21:00.001-08:00

Earlier this week, Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack, which ties him with a dead man in Wisconsin for the Guinness World Record for Most Heart Attacks. Cheney is poised to take sole possession of the title sometime this year in what many American's hope will be a massive record breaking.

Navy Allows Women on Subs

2010-02-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

Today Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced that the Navy will allow women to serve aboard submarines. Gates told detractors not to worry and added, "This doesn't change much - submarines will still be long, hard, and full of sea men."

Not Surprising Celebrity News

2010-02-23T15:49:00.001-08:00

Actor Charlie Sheen entered a rehab facility today. And in other not surprising celebrity news, director Kevin Smith entered a McDonald's.

BarBots

2010-02-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

This weekend in San Francisco, robot bartenders faced off in a cocktail competition. The winning drink was an AppleScript Martini.

[And with a nod to Futurama, it was prepared by iZack.]

Sheen's Legal Woes

2010-02-17T12:18:00.000-08:00

Charlie Sheen, star of CBS's top-rated sitcom Two and a Half Men, could be headed to prison soon, which would put production of future episodes in jeopardy. Producers are scrambling to come up with alternative plans for the show, including a prison-themed spin-off called Two to Five Years with Men.

Smith vs. Southwest Airlines

2010-02-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

This week, loquacious director Kevin Smith continued his feud with Southwest Airlines because he wasn't satisfied with their apology for removing him from a plane because he was too fat to occupy one seat. After some back and forth, Smith said, "this is starting to taste fruitless," but later he admitted he's never actually tasted fruit, nor does he have any interest in anything fruitful or full of fruit.

Director Too Fat to Fly

2010-02-14T21:03:00.000-08:00

Talkative Director Kevin Smith, best known for playing Silent Bob in his films, was ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight today because the crew deemed him too fat to fly. Like many artists, Smith has channeled the experience and created a new character for himself: Unsilent Blob.

Pinnipedicides in Seattle

2010-02-13T00:13:00.000-08:00

Four sea lions and one seal were found shot to death in Seattle, in what witnesses described as a dispute about "ears." The incident marks the latest in a rash of pinniped-on-pinniped violence, and investigators are stumped as to how the finned mammals even operate guns.

[I usually don't qualify anything I write, but this joke was composed on the tail end of a long day on set.]

Lifestyle Footwear

2010-02-12T00:39:00.001-08:00

Christian Audigier has released a new line of footwear for his fashion brand Ed Hardy. The shoes are designed for people who are afraid strangers won't be able to identify them as douchebags while they're in bathroom stalls.

Electric Bikes

2010-02-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

Following a trend in China, U.S. retailers are hoping to see a surge in purchases of electric bikes. The electric bikes are aimed at people who are too lazy to pedal and also people who think the word "scooter" sounds too gay.

Accidental Shooting

2010-02-10T10:32:00.001-08:00

A man in Florida accidentally shot himself in the leg as he exited a gun store. The man survived and says he hopes that if any good can come from the incident, it will be that children in Florida will always have a proper example of "irony."

Dinosaur Footprints Found in China

2010-02-09T13:08:00.001-08:00

Chinese archaeologists have discovered thousands of fossilized dinosaur footprints in the eastern province of Shandong. Estimated at 100 million years old, the prints are by far the longest lasting things ever made in China.

Novel Weight-Loss

2010-02-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

A new study suggests that adolescent girls who read books with an overweight heroine were inspired to then lose weight themselves. Researchers were curious if the same results could be found in adults, but the study was found inconclusive because Kirstie Alley ate the books.

Federal Leave

2010-02-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

The federal government is closed today as Washington, D.C. digs out from three feet of snow, but surprisingly, customer service is unaffected. Just like any other day, no one in the government answers phones or returns email.

C-List Super Bowl Party

2010-02-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, actress Roselyn Sanchez and reality television stars Holly Madison and Kimberly Kardashian co-hosted a Super Bowl party in Miami. No one in attendance had the heart to tell the ladies that the game was on Sunday.

Toyota Prius Recall

2010-02-06T12:02:00.001-08:00

Toyota has announced a recall for all the hybrid Prius cars in the U.S. Once the fix is in place, the Department of Transportation hopes Prius owners will be at least 50% less self-righteous.

All Day I Dream About Star Wars

2010-02-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

Adidas has partnered with George Lucas to release a line of Star Wars inspired sneakers. Yeah, because after Star Wars the thing nerds love most is exercise.

Miniature Columbine

2010-02-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

In NYC, public school officials narrowly averted a catastrophe when they sent home a boy who was carrying a two-inch Lego machine gun. The principal noted, "If not for the diligence of our staff, we could have had a 1:70 scale massacre on our hands."

Drunkest Cities

2010-02-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

Men's Health magazine recently published a list of America's "drunkest" cities. Number two is Reno, Nevada, and number one is wherever David Hasselhoff is currently staying.

Talking Sex Robot

2010-02-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

For men who have trouble with women, an inventor in Las Vegas has unveiled a talking sex robot with a price-tag of seven thousand dollars. There's also a fourteen thousand dollar model -- that one doesn't talk.

Groundhog Speaks

2010-02-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

Today is Groundhog Day, when the the people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania look to a rodent to predict the future. This year, Phil the groundhog saw his shadow, which means four more months of not knowing what the hell is happening on Lost.

Sledding Rocketeer

2010-02-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

In Michigan, a man built and operated a sled propelled by a homemade rocket backpack, until the rocket exploded, ultimately landing him in the hospital with severe burns. The voters at the Darwin Awards were saddened that such a creative attempt to kill a moron came up just a little short.

ControversYe Averted

2010-02-01T10:57:00.001-08:00

Taylor Swift fans no doubt felt a small rush of panic each time Swift took the stage to collect one of her four Grammys for fear that Kanye West might interrupt her acceptance. Luckily, West was distracted backstage by a cardboard cutout of Swift, which he berated for the entirety of the show.

Traffic Reporter Causes Traffic Jam

2010-02-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

A traffic reporter in a small plane made an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike this morning which caused significant traffic delays. When asked about the incident the reporter replied that he was tired of people in New Jersey misusing the word "irony."

Facebook Beef in Philly

2010-01-29T10:41:00.000-08:00

In Philadelphia, a Facebook dispute spilled over into offline violence when a handgun shootout occurred outside a high school. Three were injured and the tragic incident has left at least fifteen others "unfriended."

Snickers Returns to the Super Bowl

2010-01-28T10:18:00.000-08:00

Snickers candy bars has a new ad set to launch during the Super Bowl with Abe Vigoda and Betty White. Snickers intends to show that their candy bars are really satisfying, even if you don't have teeth.

Diverging Diamonds

2010-01-28T10:10:00.001-08:00

City planners in Springfield, Mo are testing a new traffic design in which cars briefly drive on the left side of the road to enter the highway. Residents are split on the new pattern with some in favor and others saying, "Quickly, round the militia: the British are coming!"

New Nuke

2010-01-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

In his State of the Union address, President Obama called for a "new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants." Many White House reporters were shocked by the news, specifically the correct pronunciation of the word "nuclear."

Orange, New Jersey, You're on the Air

2010-01-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

For the first time ever, paleontologists have determined the pigment of the earliest dinosaurs was orange. This new discovery finally explains the strange hue of Larry King.

Cells & Convicts

2010-01-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

In Wisconsin, officials at Waupun Correctional Institution denied an inmate's request to play Dungeons & Dragons because it "represented a threat to prison security." The warden added, "If any of those creatures were to roll a twenty, we would be in some serious trouble."

Super Bowl XLIV

2010-01-25T02:05:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl 44 is next week. That's Super Bowl XLIV in roman numerals, which would no longer exist if not for Super Bowls, Pope names, and Rocky films.

Papal Bloggers

2010-01-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to spread the faith, Pope Benedict XVI is encouraging priests in the Roman Catholic Church to get online and blog. Not surprisingly, many Roman Catholic priests admitted to spending quite a bit of time on the Internet already.

Gayest American Cities

2010-01-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

In a recent survey, San Francisco was not named one of the gayest cities in America. Ahead of the city by the gay: Gayville, South Dakota; Gay Head, Massachusetts; Gayhead, New York; and Gay, Michigan.

Caloric Stimulus

2010-01-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

The White House announced today that they would back a plan to keep Weight Watchers financially solvent. As Barack Obama noted, "Kirstie Alley is too big to fail."

Have It Your Way

2010-01-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Burger King has unveiled plans to sell beer at their fast-food restaurants, which raises many questions. For example, David Hasselhoff wonders what time they start serving breakfast.

Hollywood Diet

2010-01-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

In a shocking story out of Hollywood today, Fat Kirstie Alley murdered and ate Skinny Kirstie Alley, leaving many star-gazers to wonder: are there enough rolls for Fat Kirstie Alley?

[*originally Tom King's joke, but I love it so much.]

Campaign Spending Limits Lifted

2010-01-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

The Supreme Court ruled that corporations and special interest groups are free to contribute unlimited funds to sway political campaigns. Subsequently, Sarah Palin's presidential bid will now be referred to as Coors Light's Sarah Palin 2012.

Biblical Artillery

2010-01-20T10:18:00.000-08:00

A manufacturer contracted by the U.S. military has been inscribing Bible verses onto the targeting sights of combat rifles. A spokesperson for the company said, "For obvious reasons, we stick mostly to the Old Testament."

The Rise of Wives

2010-01-19T12:22:00.001-08:00

In a new trend, one in five married women is earning more income than their husbands. The study raises an interesting question: are those other four women working hard enough?

Obama's Race to the Top

2010-01-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

This morning, President Obama told school children in Fairfax, Va that he will seek additional funds to broaden the scope of his education initiative. Obama announced he will raise another 1.35 billion, or as he called it "some walk-around money."

Weight Watchers Weigh-In Catastrophe

2010-01-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

In Sweden this week, a Weight Watchers weigh-in ended in tragedy when the floor of their meeting room collapsed. No one died but 17 people suffered hurt feelings.

Nevada's First Legal Gigolo

2010-01-14T16:37:00.000-08:00

In an interview with Details magazine, Nevada's first legal male prostitute compared himself to civil right pioneer Rosa Parks. The only real difference he noted was that "she was asserting her God-given right to equality, and I have sex for money."

Rooney's Birthday

2010-01-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

60 Minutes essayist Andy Rooney celebrated his 91st birthday today. Also celebrating birthdays today, Andy Rooney's eyebrows turned 96.

Fox News Adds Palin as Contributor

2010-01-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

Fox News has signed Sarah Palin to provide political commentary. In anticipation of Palin's arrival, Fox News has changed their tag-line to Fair and Balanced... and Stupid.

Toxic Toys

2010-01-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

Walmart is recalling children's jewelery made in China because it contains toxic cadmium. Chinese manufacturers have said not to worry because hardly any of the child workers who made the jewelery have become sick.

Big Hack

2010-01-11T16:40:00.001-08:00

Former professional baseball player Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids. In other news, grass is green and water is wet.

New Chinese Ads

2010-01-10T12:03:00.001-08:00

Chinese businesses have started a new ad campaign to tout the products designed by Western companies to be sold to the West, with the slogan "Made in China..." You can find the new slogan on the bottom of any product in any store in America.

Leno Canceled

2010-01-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

NBC has canceled the short-lived Jay Leno Show, and it's with the support from his crew that Jay is keeping his chin up. Also supporting Jay's chin are six c-stands.

State of the Island

2010-01-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

The White House has rescheduled President Obama's State of the Union Address because of an uproar from fans of ABC's LOST, who didn't want the season premiere preempted by the president's message. Said one nerd, "The only union I'm interested in is the one between Kate and Sawyer, unless perhaps Obama has some cogent theories about the nature of the smoke monster."

Wannabe Bandit

2010-01-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

In Massachusetts, a man claiming to be armed walked into a bank and demanded money, but fled empty handed when a banker yelled at him. State police have attributed this attempt and other non-crimes to the work of one man: The Pussy Bandit.

Elmer Goes to the Grave

2010-01-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

In a news story out of Maine today, a 240-year-old Elm tree has died. Services are scheduled for later this week, where the Elm tree will be buried in a coffin made out of itself.

Obama Bucks

2010-01-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

This week President Obama said that when it comes to protecting the nation, "The buck stops with me." He then added, "Unless you need a loan for like a trillion dollars, in that case I'm also your guy."

Streaker Nabbed Near White House

2010-01-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, a naked man was arrested jogging near the White House in Washington, D.C., which can mean only one thing: Congress is back in town! And someone should have known better than to play "Truth or Dare" with Nancy Pelosi.

Fast Diet Food

2010-01-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Taco Bell has launched a new campaign for their "Drive-thru Diet" menu, featuring a female foil to Subway's Jared Fogel, and a catchy new slogan. Taco Bell: You'll literally sh*t the pounds away.

Tobacco Possible Biofuel

2010-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

Researchers believe they can manipulate the genetics of tobacco plants to make them a viable source of biofuel. As a bonus, pedestrians can look forward to a car exhaust that is smooth and satisfying.

Tiger Bares Mostly All

2010-01-04T13:31:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods appears bare chested on the cover of this month's Vanity Fair. The only way you could possibly see more of him is if you happened to be a stripper or cocktail waitress who worked just about anywhere in the country.

AT&T Drops Woods

2010-01-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

AT&T has ended their endorsement of pro golfer Tiger Woods. Woods promptly switched his mobile service to Verizon, and he says he now gets better 3G coverage in the cities where his whores live.

Underwear Bomber

2010-01-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

New intelligence reports that the suspect in the attempted bombing of Northwest Airlines Flight 253 on Christmas Day did not ferret explosives through security in his anal cavity, but rather had sewn them into his underwear. In either case, Homeland Security has been forced to rethink their definition of "dirty bombs."

No More Doggie Bags

2010-01-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

This week, Taiwan's parliament banned the selling of dog meat in an effort to deter the slaughtering of stray dogs. In other news, Taiwanese eateries and restaurants are closing by the thousands.

Twittering Under the Influence

2009-12-31T13:22:00.000-08:00

This New Year's Eve, police are concerned that young party-goers may use Twitter to try to thwart sobriety checkpoints. Unfortunately for the tweeters, this time, the Fail Whale might land them in fail jail.

Asteroids

2009-12-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

The head of Russia's space program has announced a plan to prevent an asteroid collision with Earth in 2030. The plan involves a triangle-shaped spacecraft, a small laser, and three lives.

A Prayer for a Better Economy

2009-12-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

In these challenging economic times, many Christians are turning to the Bible for financial advice. And if you thought the Bible was thick, you should see the King James prospectus.

Airline Lockdown

2009-12-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

After last week's attempted bombing on a Detroit-bound flight, airlines have instituted tougher in-flight restrictions, including forbidding the use of electronic devices and forcing passengers to remain in their seats with their hands visible for much of the flight. There is one perk to the new restrictions though: you can now trade cigarettes for the snack packs.

Mississippi #1 with God

2009-12-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

A recent poll named Mississippi the most religious state in America. In a related poll, Mississippi was also named the state most likely to be misspelled by its own residents.

Breeding Bitches

2009-12-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

A dog breeder in China charges $10,000 for the opportunity to have sex with his stud Tibetan Mastiff named Son of Bush. For Americans that's a bargain, considering they got screwed by a son of Bush and it cost them $400 billion.

Magic Reindeer Gems

2009-12-25T14:11:00.001-08:00

An Indiana zoo raised over twenty thousand dollars this holiday season by selling jewelery made from reindeer droppings, which they call "Magic Reindeer Gems." As a result, socks are no longer the shittiest gift you can receive for Christmas.

Seat Belt Incentives

2009-12-24T12:59:00.000-08:00

During traffic stops, police in South Carolina are rewarding motorists for wearing their seat belts with coupons for free Chick-Fila sandwiches. A local man remarked, "Thanks a lot. Nothing takes the sting out of a $90 ticket like a coupon for a $4 sandwich."

Father of 'Balloon Boy' Bound for Jail

2009-12-23T11:42:00.000-08:00

Richard Heene is headed to jail for the "Balloon Boy" hoax he launched last October. Luckily for Heene, he's already proven popular with his future inmates, who are flooding him with requests to bring them balloons.

Obama's Prank Call

2009-12-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

While hosting a radio show, outgoing Virginia Governor Tim Kaine took a call-in from a man who identified himself as "Barry from DC," but turned out to be none other than President Barack Obama. The president thanked Kaine for his service and then repeated the phrase "Baba Boey" until the governor hung up on him.

8-bit Marriage

2009-12-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

In Tokyo, a Japanese man has married a video game character, marking the first time anyone has wed a virtual person. On their wedding night, the man scored a total of zero points.

Beauty Tax

2009-12-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

As part of the health-care bill, the Senate has proposed a new tax on the use of tanning beds. It's expected the tax will raise 2.7 billion dollars over the next ten years, most of that revenue coming directly from the cast of Jersey Shore.

EgyptAir Says, "No Fat Chicks"

2009-12-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

Last week, an EgyptAir pilot refused to take off because he said one of the plane's passengers was too fat. In other news, Kirstie Alley has canceled her vacation to Egypt.

In-home Indecency

2009-12-18T14:30:00.001-08:00

A Virginia man was convicted of indecent exposure after two women complained they could see him naked through the window of his home. The man further incriminated himself in his defense when he said, "This goes too far. Next thing you know, it'll be illegal to sodomize my boyfriend in the privacy of our own home. What?! That's already illegal in this state? F*&k me."

Afghan Rockers Hide Selves from Shame

2009-12-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the Burqa Band -- a three-piece, Afghan group so named for the traditional burqas they wear -- missed their appearance on The Tonight Show. Apparently, the band went out the night before and got completely sheet faced.

Gun Use on the Rise

2009-12-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

A new firearm survey of 166 U.S. police agencies showed an increase in the number of weapons-related arrests, and there's evidence that more weapons are being used per shooting, and that more shots are being fired in each crime. In response, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has asked professional football players to please limit the number of guns they carry around, and to conserve their ammunition.